Dear’s death, 76 months ago today, has transformed my life, which I’m sure was her intent, in part, compassionate lover of God that she is. Our world together as we conceived it wasn’t deep enough. We talked a good God is Everything, but she experienced for herself the considerable enough unfulfillment of it. And she felt that I, her dearest love, wasn’t equipped to join her in going for broke so to speak, as she felt called to do. And the loneliness of it was excruciating, for she couldn’t truly be alone with just herself and God, in ways that I am now for instance. What she knew was that her death was a choice of love, not a consequence of despair. She also knew I was capable of thriving in the wake of her departure as I grew in my awareness of what my love for God truly asked of me.
Only by leaving worldly-world existence, she felt, could she achieve her heart’s call to more fully surrender to the Oneness of Existence. It is a surrender I am embracing as best I can thanks to the many experiences over the past 76 months that reveal the ways in which I have resisted the magnitude of my heart’s passion for Oneness.
Yet all of that has led me to my present cloistered life, triggered exactly one year ago today when I awoke to the presence of Dear saying, “Your purpose in Santa Fe has been fulfilled. Now you must find solitude.” And I knew that meant an unalterable shift which came to be symbolized right off the bat by the inner guidance to take to wherever I might go only what of my life’s entirety of tangible belongings fit in my car.
My spirit has never felt more at home as I live increasingly in the void of worldly-world emptiness, nurturing the endless forms of embracing God Alone. Being beautifully fulfilled is Dear’s guidance to me shortly after she left 76 months ago today: “You still have things to accomplish in this lifetime, and my death is going to help you do them.”
Hi Steve,
What a lovely essay- thanks for sharing. I never knew Dear, nor did I know what she looked like. Now I at least I know what she looks like and boy, was she a sight for sore eyes!
That you look at her departure from this world 76 months ago as a gift for you to grow shows an almost other-worldly spiritual maturity. I really don’t have words. My vocabulary is too small. You have always been a person I’ve looked up to, whether you know it or not, and I hope to see you someday soon.
You may recall that you were a key part of getting my job at CMH Heli-Skiing. I went on to flourish and after 15 years, and at 60 years old, I retired on top. I may dip my toe back in the work force again, but I am going to take a well-deserved year off to travel to places on my list, and visit friends and family I haven’t seen for ages. I’ve been working for 45 years and I am going to take a break.
I have a very nice place in Costa Rica in Guanacaste, that I’ve owned for 9 years, which I think is one of the nicest parts of the country. I love it there. It’s on the Pacific coast and is easy to get to. You are welcome anytime.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Love to you,
Brad
Heartbreaking. And beautiful. It’s a good thing the heart is capable of infinite healing — it’s universe ever expanding.
Your ability to feel the way you do after the passing of Dear amazes me, grief has always been my worst and most triggering emotion. To see you go through this the way you are does give me hope that I could survive if I were to lose my David. Thank you for sharing.
My dear husband, Normans moving out of this world on August 10, 2024, has brought God is Love, clearer and clearer to me each day. There is nothing like divine Love. Instead of grief, Love has increased everyday. Normans so called death has catapulted me deeper and deeper into God being my companion. This is true joy.