My beloved’s suicide plus 18 months. The word is not the thing, and all I can give you is words. Seemingly never-ending new depths in the ocean of surrender.  Familiar after familiar revealed as ephemeral.  Perhaps it’s a feeling one has as death of the body approaches. Only for me it isn’t […]
Buddha on the Compost Bin Read More »
Today I enter year 78. Sixteen months and a day after my beloved’s departure. Not three weeks in my new home. Last night I was guided to watch “This is It,” the documentary of the three-month rehearsal of what was to be the capstone tour of Michael Jackson’s career, which of course didn’t occur because
I Won’t Be Surprised Read More »
I felt a small bug crawling on my back inside my t-shirt. Tick, I feared, whipping an arm over my shoulder. Only one finger could reach far enough to extract the creature expediently. A procedure it did not survive.  Turns out it was a ladybug. I apologized that my lack of composure led to
The Universe Also Winks Read More »
A friend is helping me “re-home” many belongings as I dramatically downsize the physical accouterments of my life in preparation for taking up residence in the new tiny monastery the bank and I jointly own. Among them is the first real bed my beloved and I purchased over 40 years ago. At that time, it
Dead but not Absent Read More »
I don’t schedule much in the morning because it takes me a while to get up to speed. Meditation, journaling, stretching and strengthening, wandering with the dogs, time with whatever two cents I’m writing. And while I try not to get sidetracked, I also want to stay open to whatever surprises the universe is itching
Blueberries Help Me Die Read More »
For more than six months I had been anticipating that I would be leaving Vermont after living here for 27 years, roughly a third of my life in the only place I’ve ever considered home.  My beloved and I arrived on Halloween 1993. For the sake of a good story, I planned to officially
My beloved, A year ago at this time, just shy of 3 AM, you might have been awake, sleepless, knowing that, if at all possible, this would be the day you left this incarnation.
Our First Anniversary Read More »
Erupting from new depth, the volcanic sound of my heart’s desolation. Seismic enough to raise eyebrows on other planets I shouldn’t be surprised. My dogs sure looked at me funny. Ten months since Dear’s suicide, I got why some people are pulled to follow their beloved in death.
Married to Action Read More »