Dear’s death, 76 months ago today, has transformed my life, which I’m sure was her intent, in part, compassionate lover of God that she is. Our world together as we conceived it wasn’t deep enough. We talked a good God is Everything, but she experienced for herself the considerable enough unfulfillment of it. And she […]
“You still have things to accomplish related to why you were born, and my death will help you do them.” From the day my beloved took her life two years ago today, this message from her has illuminated every choice I make. Â
No Spiritual Creampuff Read More »
My beloved’s suicide plus 18 months. The word is not the thing, and all I can give you is words. Seemingly never-ending new depths in the ocean of surrender.  Familiar after familiar revealed as ephemeral.  Perhaps it’s a feeling one has as death of the body approaches. Only for me it isn’t
Buddha on the Compost Bin Read More »
I felt a small bug crawling on my back inside my t-shirt. Tick, I feared, whipping an arm over my shoulder. Only one finger could reach far enough to extract the creature expediently. A procedure it did not survive.  Turns out it was a ladybug. I apologized that my lack of composure led to
The Universe Also Winks Read More »
My beloved, A year ago at this time, just shy of 3 AM, you might have been awake, sleepless, knowing that, if at all possible, this would be the day you left this incarnation.
Our First Anniversary Read More »
Instantly upon my beloved’s suicide, our home fell silent as an empty recording studio, a familiar sound-proof space in my career where even the roar of a hundred low-flying elephants can’t penetrate.  The quiet I’m speaking of, however, was not so much in the home itself as it was in me. Some fraction of
Heartbroken and Joyful at the Same Time Read More »
My beloved and I had a child who never assumed human form, in our lives at least. We felt he was a boy, though the name we gave him wasn’t dependent on that eventuality. Theoria Star. Theoria meaning in union with God. Theo for short. One of the things we loved about his name was
Oneness, Unity, Love, Etc. Read More »
I’m grateful that I didn’t discover my beloved in the barn hanging but not quite dead. I know what I would have done. I would have sat with her as she died, surrounding her with my love. She knew I wouldn’t waver in supporting her choice. Serving the call of the other’s heart was the
Having Someone’s Back Read More »