It’s Beginning to Show

Eleven years ago when I mentioned to Dear, my beloved, that I was approaching 9500 days of sobriety, some 26 years, she said, without missing a beat, “It’s beginning to show.”  

Today, the most tangible expression I keep of her dynamic presence is this photo of the quilt I had made of her clothes.  It reminds me that she would surely have some equally pithy observation today as I mark year 37 and I ask myself: What are the most important things I’ve learned over these 13,514 days? 

The gift of despair comes to mind first.  “If I don’t change my life in a meaningful way, I’m as good as dead.” 

Giving up drinking and dope smoking, my two intoxicants of choice, was just the beginning of that change.  In despair, I easily eliminated them from my life, and in fact have never been tempted to use them since.  That’s because I soon learned from their absence that they were not the problem; they were only a manifestation of the problem.  I’m reminded of my wonderful sponsor Long Island Pete’s penetrating statement early on: No one gets happy because they give up using; they get happy because of what they do after they give up using.

Perhaps the most important thing I did was accept that my so-called problem was not drink and dope; it was running from pain.  Further, I used a lot more than ingestibles to facilitate that running.  

Growing a passion to identify and free those forms of escape has been the central activity of my so-called sobriety ever since—something I’m actively engaged in to this day.

Surely one of the most meaningful revelations of my sober life has been that how I define my world creates my world.  And among the most self-destructive definitions is that other people and outside circumstances are responsible for anything I think and feel.  That realization may be the cornerstone of any healthy life, so far as I can tell.  It certainly is mine.  Being an addict wanting to recover from active addiction can be a servant to that realization—as we ask ourselves: What does it mean, and what does it take, to be a healthy person?  Assuming responsibility for my every thought and feeling has been a big part of my answer.  

Of course the next question is: Just how do I define my life?  In a nutshell, my adventures over 83 years amount to this: Everything is a gift, and the business of life is discovering how come.