Love’s Servant

Without discipline, love is compromised.  Without love, discipline is almost assuredly harmful.

Discipline is the perspective and practices that help us strengthen our ability to take meaningful action.  These are resources every human needs to pursue whatever is important to them, from taking out the garbage on time to becoming a saint.  

Love is the core of all noble human choices, actions that honor the sacredness of existence no matter what confronts us.  

So why, when I overheard a monk, a person of good intentions, say that children need both love and discipline, did I have such a strong adverse reaction?

I wasn’t very old before I’d had my fill of being threatened with pain if I didn’t do what this or that adult directed.  And having that threat called “discipline,” as if it were something honorable rather than an expression of fear.  So the notion that love and discipline are somehow separate but equal forces doesn’t jibe with my experience.

Discipline is essential, to be sure.  But only as a manifestation of love, not something other than love.  

In fact, it is just that synergy that busts the myth that love is only gentle, soft, pliant, goody-goody.  Love at its best easily employs ferocious discipline if that’s what is warranted––just not mean-spirited discipline.  Ask anyone who cherishes their marriage, or their vocation, or their intention to die unafraid.  

It may be useful to reflect on those t-shirts that say “Only Love.” 

Their meaning includes a commitment to provide to those we hold in our heart––not least of all ourselves––whatever insights and tools we can that will serve their need to take healthy action in the face of anything.  All delivered with kindness.

When we love our children in this way, discipline takes its rightful place, not as love’s equal, but as love’s servant.