Our daughter Kathryn, 57, is an excellent role model for many people in many different ways. She is an easy person to admire. She enjoys an array of notable worldly accomplishments, a vast breadth of knowledge she generously shares, is kind-hearted, a first-rate problem solver, and has a highly functioning funnybone. But none of that is the point here.
What I admire most about her is what underlies those characteristics. In this incarnation, Kathryn has drawn to her a life of much risk and hardship––physical and emotional––so that from a very young age she has been fighting for her life.
At nine, Kathryn said to Dear, my beloved, “Will you mother me. If you don’t mother me, I’m going to die.” At the time, Dear, 24, was Kathryn’s Physical Therapist at Children’s Hospital in Boston where Kathryn had just had a leg amputated as a consequence of cancer. The urgency of her request came from much more than the slim odds of recovery at that time. The bigger danger was a family life all but void of nurturance.
I think about the level of inner awareness it would have taken for me at that age to make such a request, and I marvel at Kathryn’s strength in caring for herself. Plus her intuition to know that Dear was exactly the right person to ask.
(The morning after her amputation, into Kathryn’s hospital room pops this fresh-faced PT who says, “Hi, I’m Dear. We’re going to get up and walk today.” To which Kathryn responded in the only way she knew to convey the emotions roiling within her. She punched Dear in the mouth. Dear responded by thinking to herself, “Now here’s a kid I can deal with.”)
And so began a parent-child love affair that has lasted nearly 50 years, during which time Kathryn has experienced numerous chilling reminders of her body’s impermanence. Dear’s death two years ago has, I’m sure, only intensified her presence in Kathryn’s life.
That presence, along with that of many other lovely souls who gravitate to Kathryn’s refreshing spirit, acts as loving support to balance the loving adversity imposed by the reality of death as constant companion and invaluable teacher.
Among my favorite gems of insight comes by way of the late Trappist monk Thomas Merton in his book “Wisdom of the Desert.” The person who keeps death before their eyes will always overcome their cowardice.
Even those of us who acknowledge the rewards of that practice can find it difficult to remain mindful that this day, this hour, this minute may be our last. Ego melodrama makes it easy to sidestep our cowardice rather than free it. Such escape has been less an option for Kathryn.
In this way, she is among the most fortunate of us. She has lived virtually all of her life with the front-of-mind awareness that, for her, the future is more elusive than it is for most people, old age a likely fantasy. Plus, an unexpected mishap and she’s spending the remainder of her days in a wheelchair.
As a result, her world is illuminated by a special intensity of that encouragement the universe offers us all: to let go of whatever impedes embracing the sacredness of every experience.
Kathryn hears regularly what many of us, in our fear of death, seldom do. And that is the mantra death is always whispering in every ear––Don’t miss a moment.
❦
I wrote all that a month ago, shortly after Kathryn informed me that her time on earth was short. She asked that I wait til she died to publish. I asked if she had any special wishes about a memorial service. She said not really except, if there were one, she of course would be in charge of the music. It’s among the bushel of things about which she has vast appreciation and discriminating taste. One can only imagine the glorious celebration of her life she experienced as her spirit left her body yesterday morning. Including the chuckle that it was Keith Richards’ birthday.
No words.
Many love and prayers to you and your family Steve. I remember the few times I was in the presence of Kathryn once at Sunbear and then at Dear’s memorial. I was amazed by her lightness and spirit, so easy to laugh.
Oh Steve, what a beautiful remembrance. I am so sorry for your loss.
Sending Love your way Steve. Thinking of you.
Steve, I’m sorry you’ve had so much loss, and this dark time of year amplifies the latest loss of your beautiful daughter. How lucky you’ve been to have such a courageous young woman close to you. As we near the winter solstice, think of candles burning in the darkness and focus on the light. You are in my thoughts. ~Ellie
Thanks for this Steve. A great tribute to Kathryn and the inspiration that she is to me and to many others. In the midst of my sadness at her passing I am heartened by the knowledge that she didn’t get cheated and experienced this life in a way that far exceeded what anyone could have “reasonably” expected. But that was Kathryn…not “reasonable” in the best of ways.
Steve, a very moving tribute to your beloved daughter. Thank you for sharing and helping us to enlighten ourselves and to focus on what’s really important. Be well my friend and let’s talk soon.
Steve,
I am so sorry to hear of the death of Kathryn…she attended many of my jazz events in Rochester, and she was always fun.
Brad Paxton
Steve
Thank you for sharing your daughter and family’s story of love, wisdom, and courage, qualities we can touch sometimes and aspire to always.
Many blessings to Kathyrin, you and family
Phil
Very well done Steve.
Kathryn left the world a better place.
Sent with love.
So beautiful.
So glad that we shared singing Linda Ronstadt songs so many years ago — as she reminded me at Dear’s service.
Oh Steve. Went to see my daughter, who at about the same age as Kathryn, is in bed with a broken ankle. Reading your moving account of your daughter’s life has touched me deeply. Long live Kathryn.
Grief has been a frequent recent visitor for you, Steve. I know you will process all this in your usual way: looking for the lessons learned and the teachings to share, to make the world better. With much love to you.
Steve, thank you for sharing Kathryn’s beautiful spirit. All my heart’s love to you and her and joyous love-reunion to Jean.
We had the honor of sharing time and space with Kathryn as a cherished friend for over four decades. What a remarkable gift this has been. She was a beautiful spirit and a true inspiration. Kathryn will live on in our hearts and minds.
Kathryn made an impression on me from our first meeting. Her intelligence, wisdom, insight, fortitude, resilience, and wit are among the many qualities I always admired in her. We will miss her presence on this Earth. Thank you for sharing of your love and perspective. Hugs, Jamey